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I hear you say you want your life to settle down and for things to go smoothly. But week after week, month after month, year after year, while there may be different players and different facts, it’s always the same old story. You may as well face it—chaos, for you dear friend, is a way of life.

I know this one. I’ve lived this one. And I’ve moved beyond this one. You can too. But before you can create its opposite—elegance, ease, success and peace—you’ll need to understand why you keep creating the chaos.

Take a look at the following seven reasons we create chaos-filled lives. See if one or more of them rings true for you. If so, commit to healing and moving beyond it.

Here are the reasons you may be keeping chaos around:

1.    It’s your story

I recently connected with an old childhood friend on Facebook. I was happy to be reconnected to her but soon regretted the connection. She is steeped in stories (related in infinite detail in her posts) about her “unfortunate” luck.

Surgeries botched, health problems galore, failed romance upon failed romance. This woman has nothing but tales of woe and yet, surprisingly her other “posts of choice” are gratitude-related.

Clearly, my friend knows something about counting her blessings, but more often than not, she “talks the talk” but doesn’t “walk the walk.” The story of her life, to the world and to herself, is “Oh, poor me.”

I’m sure my friend doesn’t realize the impact her stories have on the reality she’s creating.

I’ve known people who do know the impact this type of story has but still insist on telling these “oh, poor me” tales, seemingly oblivious to the energy they exude (and the chaos-filled realities they create).

What to do about it:

If you find yourself telling tales of misfortune at every opportunity—stop. Ideally, you will catch yourself before you utter a word, at which point you can tell tales of your successes and/or insights.

You probably won’t find it easy at first. You’ll be so steeped in looking for the negative you’ll have a hard time finding the positive. But commit yourself to looking for it. Tell a story (even if only to yourself) every single day, that includes something wonderful that happened during your day.

It doesn’t have to be big. It can be as inconsequential as, “I really enjoyed my shower today.” Or “Those strawberries I had for breakfast were super sweet.” Or, “That was the funniest TV show I’ve seen all month.”

The more you practice, the more you’ll have to tell. What you focus on is what you draw into your reality—so before you know, it you’ll be hard-pressed to find anything at all that is worth complaining about.

2.    It’s your identity

How we think of ourselves is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Once we start down a path of identifying ourselves as unfortunate, struggling victims, it becomes harder to pull ourselves out of that mindset. Why? Because the self-identity we’ve created as a victim calls forth more events into our lives to solidify that victim consciousness. As those new, chaos-filled realities reinforce our identity, the vicious cycle continues.

But the victim identity isn’t the only one that keeps us in chaos. The “fixer” identity does as well. Every fixer needs something to fix—so creating chaos and crisis (unconsciously, of course) is a must for fixers who specialize in “coming to the rescue.”

This doesn’t necessarily mean you have one identity or the other. You may have a “victim” identity with your parents (I know I did with my father—and it was the only meeting-point we had) and a “fixer” identity with your children or friends.

What to do about it: Recognize whether you identify with being the victim, being the rescuer, or both. Forgive yourself for that and begin to see (and feel) yourself as one “who lives an easy, elegant, struggle-free life,” and who doesn’t get caught up in whatever chaos is happening around you.

Practice “compassionate detachment” when those you love are feeling challenged. You can care without emotionally jumping into the chaos others are creating.

Yes, it will be difficult to do this in the beginning. And it may not feel real. But if you stick with it, even for a few minutes each day, it will start to feel real. And once it does, your reality will begin to respond, and eventually, your feelings will actually become authentic.

A note on this: You may not be able to shift another’s choice to stop creating chaos in their life. But what you can do is to shift your response to their creation. Coupling that withholding a vision for them as leading an easy, elegant, peaceful and successful life, is all you can do. You can’t make the choice for them.

3.    You (secretly) like it

Ah, don’t breeze by this one too fast, my friend. If you didn’t like at least an aspect of the chaos you create, you wouldn’t be creating it. “What on earth,” you might ask, “is there to like about chaos?”

Well, the excitement, for one. Yes, you could do without the flat tire, the never-ending head cold, the leaky roof, the family crisis, the trips to the ER with the kids, but there is something in the excitement of it you just might enjoy.

Wait…you mean I’m creating my kids being hurt? No, they are. But, let’s just say you aren’t helping matters when you are not proactively creating calm and ease.

Another reason you might keep chaos around is that it puts you in the spotlight.  If you can’t wait to tell your friends, family, and co-workers about the “bad” things that happen, this might be your “payoff.”

I know, it’s not pretty. But don’t worry. There is a way out.

What to do about it:  Again, first forgive yourself. Then commit to finding the excitement and attention (or whatever other payoff you might be receiving) elsewhere. Talk about the “bad” things that happen only on a “need to know basis.” Instead, find only “good” things to talk to people about. Again, this may seem difficult at first. But it will get easier.

4.    You don’t really think you have a choice

You can recognize this one as yours if your initial response to the article was something like, “Boy I’d like to stop creating chaos in my life—but that’s ridiculous—chaos and crisis just happen!”

In fact, they don’t just happen. We create them happening. Not by consciously making them happen, but by unconsciously letting them happen.

What to do about it:  If this rings true, even slightly, you probably have a belief such as: “I don’t create 100% of my reality.” Simply change it to: “I do create 100% of my reality,” (along with any other beliefs keeping chaos around) and watch your world transform!

5.    You believe you deserve it

This is another one you might blow by too quickly. Of course your “conscious, adult self” doesn’t believe you deserve chaos and crisis in your life. But there may be a part of you, perhaps the part of you that is still only 5 years old, that believes you don’t deserve ease, elegance, joy, and peace.

What to do about it: Again, change your belief. The belief might be, “I don’t deserve a wonderful magical life.” If that’s your belief, change it to: “I do deserve a wonderful magical life.” Belief changing is much easier than you might imagine. And you’ll be amazed at how quickly your reality will respond.

6.    You have nothing to replace it with

Let’s face it, if you take away the chaos from life you might be left with your “same old boring life.” Again, this is probably not a conscious motivation. We all create from our unconscious selves until we become conscious of the energy we are emitting in the form of thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.

What to do about it:

Begin to dream. Create some positive, exciting realities so you won’t need chaos to fill the void. The simple act of imagining some positive futures will help diminish the energy that currently goes into creating chaos.

What if you don’t know what to dream? No worries. Start with knowing how you want to feel. How will peace feel? Safety? Joy? Abundance? Success? Start feeling those feelings. Feelings create your world.

7.    Success scares the heck out of you

Ah, there it is, eh? Well, my friend, you are not alone. Let’s face it; we all know failure, crisis, and chaos far too well. And like old, worn furniture, we find it comfortable and familiar. If you dream too big, too far from your “known life,” why, anything could happen.

What to do about it:  Yes, anything could happen, if you allow it to. But you won’t create amazing new futures unless you take a look at your fear of success and handle it. What does that look like? It looks like thinking the worst that could happen if you become successful, writing it down, figuring out what beliefs lie behind those fears and then changing them.

Then, decide what you want the consequences of success to be. If you can manifest the dream you can manifest the consequences of that dream.

Remember, creating your current life took years, decades perhaps. Creating a life filled with ease, elegance, peace, safety, success, and love will take time too. You don’t have to do it all today but begin today. Set an intention today. Make a commitment today. Like it or not, the chaos in your life is your creation. And that is good news. Because if you created it, you can change it.

In joyous creation,

P.S. If you need even more help with changing your beliefs, our Changing Your Beliefs Guided Meditation is available for download!  This 20 minute audio technique walks you through a gentle process to help you change your beliefs and therefore change your reality. Not sure what your beliefs are? This article can help you figure it out.

38 comments add a comment

38 comments to " 7 Surprising Reasons You Keep Creating Chaos "

  • Jessie

    Very beautiful read. I also think chaos comes much from our roots. I have recognized much of my chaos comes straight from within my family. This can’t be avoided as a kid but as an adult I have the hindsight to see where these bad habits develop from. We almost become programmed to believe this is how life is suppose to be and that it’s normal. A lot of reading, meditation, meeting new people and exploring nature makes you realize being calm and creating peace is much more beautiful and fulfilling. Thanks for staying so positive, it’s always possible to change your life.

  • Celeta B McCall

    A wonderful article!! I used it for educational purposes on my podcast. I was really enlightened. And I did recognize myself. Thank you so much..

  • David Hix

    Wow what a load of shit and shitty thing to blame someone as being a victim. Does this apply to people who have suffered multiple instances of child abuse, who then get raped, who then become adult carers to alcholics, who then go on to suffer further abuses or other random events like cancer that are entirely random? Or did the person invite cancer with their victim story. What a disgusting load of shit you write. How does it apply to those with learning difficulties who have a lot of chaos and people taking advantage of them, oh wait it was just their victim narrative.

    • It applies to everything David. When you stop blaming and take responsibility you can change your experience. Clearly you are on the wrong website if you don’t believe you create your own reality and desire to learn how to do that. I wish you well.


      • Sean Allen Sentenn

        While I believe that your intentions are good, I also believe the tone of the article is what some people here are reacting negatively to. A bit didactic and victim blamey.
        Also, there is an enormous body of research that has dispelled the “power of positive thinking” myth. In fact, attempting to “happy” your way out of hard situations often leads to depression and shame when it doesn’t work. It’s better to be pragmatic and resilient than optimistic and frequently disappointed.
        Sometimes life just sucks and things go sideways. Allowing yourself to feel the pain, anger, and frustration is often the best way beyond it.
        I know from experience that yes, some people like me seemed to have chosen a more chaotic life. But there are thousands of reasons why that could be. ADHD and ASD are maladaptive to our modern society which values specialization over creativity. COVID caused widespread fear, kept kids home from school, and cost many their livelihoods. Chronic illness corrodes our sense of self worth and burdens those who care for us. Etc. Ad Nauseum.
        The 7 Reasons you mention above don’t take into account that, like addiction, not everything can be fixed through willpower. And “changing your beliefs” isn’t the solution. It’s the result. The result of deep work therapy, mindfulness, and finding a community of supportive healthy people.
        What I had hoped to find by coming here was compassionate and concrete steps to finding the center of my cyclone. Perhaps an article like that would be helpful to those like me who had a negative reaction to this one?

  • Mies

    Thanks for your article, I came here because the room around me is chaos, and even though I cleaned it two days ago by some dark force it seems to end up messy over and over again. Well its not that the rest of my life is all spick and span but I figured I could start with trying to tackle this problem. I wonder do you think the chaos in my room are directly connected to the chaos in the rest of my life ? I defenitely recognised myself in some of your writing so I am gonna try and work with your recommendations. I wonder if I ever gonna manage to keep the cupboards closed with the stuff inside….. we will see.

  • Gem

    Hi Boni

    Have you got any advice for someone who manages to create exactly what they want for a while then loses it?



  • /sf

    I grew up in a family of chaos and since then have done everything I could to have the opposite kind of life, as chaos gives me major anxiety.

    Every time I see my family I get so anxious because they thrive on chaos. They get mad at me when I tell them I can’t do something or try to set boundaries with them.

    I also can’t stand to hear my co-workers who are constantly broke, sick or in horrible relationships and they think they can’t do anything about it. They get jealous of me because I seem to have my act together. No, I don’t, I just don’t announce every single one of my problems to anyone who is within earshot.

    The victim mentality is so annoying. Just suck it up, people. We all have crap we have to deal with in our lives and no one wants to constantly listen to your BS that you refuse to address.

    Get a therapist like I have. Even if you have no money you can find help.

  • Your Name

    I’d like to believe it is just this easy. But it’s not. I’ve been working for several years in therapy. Two years with a really good therapist who helped me make progress. Then she leftvand the chaos is back. I look for the positives–I just won an award for being nice from Choose to be Nice. I practice random acts of kindness. I’m the first to speak up when someone says something was awful, I point out some of the positives. (Like, yeah ourvtickets home got screwed up, but now we get to spend more time together). And yet, the chaos seems to find me.

  • Tim

    An unsettling read as my life is generally in chaos. The reason I felt most uncomfortable with is #5.YOU BELIEVE YOU DESERVE IT. It’s crazy I know!
    Just got to find a way to start changing my life – small accomplishments at first and hopefully it will all add up to something better. I don’t care if my life isn’t amazing but just want some peace in it.

    • Shannon

      I wanted to know what to do when i felt lost and this article popped up. I invite chaos and hardship into my life because I think I deserve it. I always back away from experiences that would be easier on me as if I have to continue to beat myself up.
      The situation that I’m in now at work has me scared to death and back in the mindset to hustle, lie and just survive because I’m feeling something which feels better than the hopelessness and depression I was feeling for the last year or two. Fear makes me want to fight, so i hate but it and crave it at the same time. I dont want a poor outcome at work just so I will have something to replace my depression. I want, I deserve better.

  • Daniele

    Love this article! It is light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you

  • David

    This is some wonderfully written nonsense. It’s nice to see you’ve found the root of some people’s problems. The issue I take is with your solutions. The truth is, Boni, some people do have shit luck, and some people have really good excuses for why there’s chaos in their lives. These people have only one choice, to look on the bright side. Unfortunately you also seem to guarantee that their luck will change. That is a lie. You shouldn’t them offer them that. But then again, you probably wouldn’t sell books that way.

    • Boni


      The fact is, the law of attraction is a law, just like the law of gravity. Period. Believe it or not, it’s true. My intention was never to change anyone’s mind about it–only to provide direction for those who know it’s true and want to learn more.

      I don’t guarantee anyone’s “luck” will change. I can’t control whether they change their “luck” or not. I simply offer some very detailed steps on conscious creating for those who are ready to grow and change.

      I respect your opinion to think anything you want, David. But I have to ask, how’s that working for you? The people who are applying the principles of my work are seeing their “luck” change. And I think that is the bottom line with any “self help” sort of work. If you apply it with an open mind, do you see changes in your life? In that regard, the work speaks for itself.

      Wishing you all the best,

      PS Thank you for your compliment on my writing!

      • Your Name

        I think my life is chaotic. Some of it I create. But tonight, frustration set in again. My blood wouldn’t cooperate when I tried testing my blood sugar levels. It kept spreading out, and I couldn’t get it on the strip properly. I ran out of strips, so I went to the store to get more. Now my blood is cooperating, but the machine broke. Last year I was hired by five employers, only to have the job taken away within a week. Last week I got called for an interview, but I never returned it, because I just started training for a new one. Two days after training, the hours got cut and it became a temp. Last year after all those broken promises, I landed a job. Then I discovered that I couldn’t retain anything they taught me, because of my psych meds. Last year I told everybody that I had a job. The person in the HR department hired me. I spoke to the supervisor, and he said a position never existed. I tried donating plasma for money, but they couldn’t find a vein. I agree some people like chaos for the excitement, and I might to an extent. I grew up in chaos with a mentally ill father. I do accept 100% responsibility for my actions, but sometimes I do believe there is a force out there greater than myself trying to make my life hell. A friend said that church would solve the chaos.

      • seema

        Before reading I wrote my own resources s for creating chaos around me..I am very happy to read your article Boni .I am putting five powerful words on my board.success safety peace love Elegance.Thanks lot for guidance

      • Doug

        Hehehe. You see what she did there people? In her PS statement she took away a positive from David’s derisive post. Perspective! Look for positive things and you will find them. :-)

  • Hyejin Jang

    I grew up in a family where domestic violence was and because of it, I met this man in my late 20’s who abused me physically and emotionally just like my father did to my mother. And because of PTSD from the relationship, I had to go through indescribably hard times. Even years after the breakup, sometimes I think to myself that it is weird that I am alive still after going through severe panic attacks. Now I look back the past, I realize that there were so many ‘reasons’ I experienced many sufferings, even though I did not know WHAT made that happen.

    This is so accurately written about the subject. And I don’t know why but more than anything, your words are so resonating with me deeply and strongly and it reaches my heart so easily. I can understand everything you say. There must be some good force going on here. Maybe it is time for me to take another leap.

    Glad I have found this website. The book The Map I’ve ordered about a week ago is on its way to my country from all the way there. Hope that it can help me to create what I want.

  • Whitney Prussia

    Hi Boni,

    I recently looked this article up because I am ready for a change in my life. I was at dinner last night with a dear friend and we were talking about how if I keep playing in mud I am going to stay dirty, an analogy for me continuing to entertain a relationship with my ex whom I know it will never work out with. I was talking about how much I love him, and how sad I am, but that I need him. She made the observation that I am attracted to chaos in my life, and I will never be truly happy I don’t stop adhering to that lifestyle. I came home and truly thought about how angry I am at my parents and how I have created a non-existent relationship with them because I have shut them out. I have not had a successful relationship because of behaviors that I have detailed. I am needy and insecure, and I push people away. I focus on the negative and not the positive in the relationship until it is over. Then I cling to the positive as to not let go. These are all unhealthy behaviors that I need to change if I want to create a stable and healthy lifestyle for myself and attract a beautiful healthy relationship. I just do not know how to do that. Do you have any advice for me? I am ready to accept any responsibility for my past in order to rectify my future. Thank you,

    • Boni

      Hi Whitney,

      This blog is FILLED with advice for you. Follow it. Take it seriously. Do the work. Your life CAN be anything you desire. But you have to do the work…


  • Debi

    I looked this up as soon as I had a minute after work. I told you today on the phone I would check out your sight! So glad I did, I am just learning to think happy and constantly be thankful for every thing that gives me joy, wish Id learned this years ago! I do admit I am at a happier time in my life “is it because I discovered a way to be and create happy”or because I stumbled into it and am enjoying it? I honestly think it’s the first. I try harder to stay positive and every day it seems to get easier. Yes I still have self doubt but I try to concentrate on the positive instead. This is a great accomplishment for a constant worrier!
    Thanks for guiding me to your sight!!

  • Mose

    Hello Boni,
    thank you for this inspiring, insightful and thought-provoking article.
    I realize I have this core belief: “In order to cultivate compassion, and to help peaople, I have to suffer their suffering. Basically, I believe that mainly by suffering I can be on the same frequency of human beings and therefore be able to communicate to them. If I were fully healthy, wealthy and joyful then I would not be able to communicate to human beings who are suffering (the whole planet seems to be ‘stuck’ and ‘suffering’), and in fact they would despise me. How is it possible to live in happiness, abundance, joy and at the same time have a open heart to human beings (and non-human beings) who are suffering?

    • Boni

      Hi Mose,

      You ask a really good question. I think this is an issue that a lot of people struggle with. I do want to answer you completely, so I’ll make this the topic of an upcoming blog post (this week if possible).


  • Su Amar

    About 3 days ago I had asked Universe to show me what I was doing wrong – to show me the path I needed to take, to help me correct my mistakes. I had this article open in a tab for about 2 days and I was not reading it. But, now I just decided to read it…and I have been answered. I am guilty of doing all 7 mistakes. Now, I need to forgive myself and retry. I ask my unseen friends and Universe to be my side and guide me. Thank you Boni, Thank you Universe. I am so blessed to be living this life, taking this path. Thank you. As a bonus I got to read “Jump the Gap”. I believe I have been shown the perfect action I need to take, I am extremely grateful for my guiding spirit and THANK YOU Boni for being a wonderful person to follow and learn from – You are one of my Guru too.

    • Boni

      Dear Su Amar,

      Thank you for your kind words. And kudos to YOU for being willing to receive the information you were guided to. I am super excited for you.

      much love,

  • Gini

    Boni,I have lost my job, gone through all my savings, can not pay any of my bills nor gas or groceries. I use to have a fantastic career, but now…I am truly scared. I live in a small town where good paying jobs are scarce. I am single and very lonely. I truly don’t know how to manifest my intention which I have written down and read everyday. I pray for them to happen, but…….silence prevails. I have your book “The Map” and have read it through several times. Please help me here.
    Love, Gini

    • Boni

      Hi Gini,

      I understand you are scared. Feel your fear then let it go.

      And ask yourself…Are you following The Map? Flowing energy? Taking action? Watching for signs? Asking your unseen friends for help and guidance? You see, the law of attraction ALWAYS works Gini. Your fear is creating more lack. Somehow you must begin to imagine money, success and joy. I know you can do this Gini. But I can’t do it for you. I can’t rescue you. No one can, but you.

      Take a close look at your beliefs also Gini…which of them have you changed? And which ones need changing?

      Keep me posted Gini. I believe in you.


      • Gini

        Thank you so much. I have tears on my keyboard. I know no one can help me, but myself. It is all up to me, my mind and my heart. I will agressively keep trying, and ask for more guidance from my unseen friends. When talk to them I really want to hear to their reply. “I do deserve a wonderful magical life.” I really do want the abundance I have worked so hard for and know I have to somehow create it. I know the sun is shining behind the clouds. Yet,I feel as if I am stuck where I don’t belong.
        In His Grip, Gini

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