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Dear Boni.

Hello from Athens, Greece! I have read your articles for the past 5 years, and they are great. At this point of my life, I have a difficult situation to deal with and maybe you can help me.

My intention is to create a relationship with a really nice young man with whom I have been in love for the last 11 months. I am 36 and I dare to say that I have had a bit of intuition since I was a child. However, I don’t know if that helps me in my life as I don’t seem to have enough power to change my intuitive thoughts about the future.

Anyway, here is my problem: I prefer to make long-lasting fulfilling relationships with the “perfect” match. That’s why I have had only one relationship in my whole life for 12 years with my former husband. Now we are divorced (which was mostly my fault). We have been apart for the last 6 years.

I have a clear image of the man I want to be within my mind and his characteristics. Last November I met a guy exactly like that! I knew it from the first minute and he told me “later” that he felt it too.

Since we work together, we got to know each other very well. I believe that he is almost perfect for me, and he agreed. However he is a bit younger and at first, we began a relationship, but nothing happened between us.

As we got to know each other, he seemed interested but didn’t want to cheat so he broke up with her three times in order to be with me. However, he still had feelings for her. He felt sorry that he hurt her so badly, so he went back to her each time.

When I met him I tried to do the techniques and they worked, but at the end I got disappointed and really jealous and lost my alignment and I got mad at him. He was mad at me for treating him badly and we went through a bad period.

We talk and see each other every day but he is still with this other woman. I saw many signs at first, now I am really disappointed and I keep crying all day because I fell in love with him. I am desperate!

What do you think I should do (besides looking for another guy)!? I really thing he is the one for me! He has flaws, OK, but otherwise he is very nice!

Thank you,

Unhappily In Love

Dearest In Love,

My heart goes out to you. We have all been there – in love and unhappy about something in the relationship. Yes, what you have to be unhappy about is big – your love is with another woman! Still, whether a large or small issue, it always come down to the same thing.

We cannot control another person.

Hear this please – if someone is not acting the way you want them to act, be it boyfriend, spouse, co-worker, family member or friend – you cannot change them!

You cannot change someone else. Period.

You can, however, change yourself, and thus your reality will change. However, as my dear friend Lazaris reminds us, “Nothing changes until you do.”

It is wonderful you set your intentions on a loving relationship. It is even better that you thought about the characteristics of that relationship. I think where it fell apart for you, is when you received a “sign” that the universe was about to deliver what you ordered, and you assumed it was more than a sign. You assumed it was the relationship!

Now I am not saying it isn’t the relationship. It very well maybe. But it probably will not be until your energy is clearer on what you want, what you think you deserve, what you believe is possible, and what you will allow.

Let me tell you a story from my life.

A relationship was a deep yearning for me. I knew I had a lot of love to give. I knew I longed for a partner who would love me deeply in return. This was my intention:

I intend to fully enjoy a wonderful loving relationship with a man whom I’m emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, and cosmically compatible. I intend for this relationship to be filled with fun, freedom, ease, joy, love, intimacy, vulnerability, and trust.

I did create a man coming into my life. I loved him deeply, and he loved me deeply, as well. We were engaged within a few months.

And then reality hit. Or to be more precise, my fear kicked in. Was he “the one?” Could he be this man I had set my intentions on?

And when my fears manifested, they manifested as him becoming fearful as well. The fear on both our parts spiraled us into more fear, more reasons to fear, and because the love seemed threatened on both our parts, we each tried to control the other.

I probably don’t need to tell you – this turned out badly.

He left. I, although disappointed, vowed to heal and change myself. I dove deep into my psyche, retrieved beliefs that conflicted with what I desired, such as:

The perfect man for me doesn’t exist.

I’ll never meet the perfect man for me.

I cannot be fully myself and be accepted.

I need to bend over backward in a relationship in order to be loved.

I need to earn love.

I need to sacrifice my own needs in a relationship.

My significant other needs to be perfect.

I then changed these beliefs to:

The perfect man for me does exist.

I’ll meet the perfect man for me at the right time.

I can be fully myself and be accepted.

I need to just be myself in a relationship in order to be loved.

I need to receive love.

I need to tend to my own needs in a relationship.

My significant other needs to be willing to grow.

I quickly met, and became engaged to another man, whom I thought was “the one!” Much to my dismay, only 6 months into the relationship, this man proved me wrong. Back to the metaphysical drawing board.

I worked again on my beliefs, scrutinized my thoughts, and was more determined than ever to create the relationship of my dreams.

What I realized in the year since “man A” left, was that I had been trying to control the men in my life since I was a little girl. Thinking I was less powerful than the men in my life, I thought that if I controlled them, I ultimately would get what I wanted.

More beliefs were discovered:

Everything is an illusion but men.

The more I control, the more I get the love I truly want.

Men are not safe.

Men are more powerful than me.

Men in my life always betray me and I cannot trust them.

And I changed those beliefs to:

Everything is an illusion including men.

The more I let go, the more I get the love I truly want.

Men are safe.

Men can be as powerful as me.

Men in my life always support me and I can trust them.

The real surprise was “man A” then came back into my life, through a series of undeniable miracles. Because I had changed (as had he), the relationship blossomed into one even better than my wildest dreams. We were married later that year.

The moral of this story? If you want a life of your dreams, you don’t get to choose who plays the roles of family members (spiritual family that is), mate, friend, co-worker. You just get to choose that you want it.

And yes, oftentimes this means letting go of those who cannot treat you in the manner that you deserve (which is always wonderful). And sometimes letting go allows them to change into someone perfect (for you). Then again, sometimes letting go allows Mr. Right (for you) to enter stage left.

The Steps Out of Disappointment

I know it is confusing and difficult to sort out. Breaking it down into small and manageable parts allows you to look at all of the pieces to find out exactly why you are mis-creating.

The Map of conscious creation reminds us to ask these questions:

    1.  What energy are you putting forth? Marina, you said it yourself: you feel disappointed and desperate. Remember, the energy (in the form of thoughts and feelings and beliefs) you put out you get back. What you are creating is more disappointment and more desperation. Try imagining a man who loves you so much and is so deeply committed to you he cannot even imagine being with anyone else, ever. And then take a look at the beliefs you hold about men and relationships. Beliefs are energy you are exuding 24/7.
    2. What action are you taking? I know you don’t want to hear this, but my suggestion is to date other men. If this guy has any hope of being “the one” for you, he will eventually show up and ask for an exclusive relationship. If not, good riddance! You deserve more, Marina. Meanwhile, there are lots of fish in the sea. Practice creating and see what you can manifest.
    3. What is your world saying to you (by its response) and what is your response back? Your world always reflects back to you what you are sending out in the form of energy. If you are happy with what is happening in your reality, thank the universe and enjoy… keep up the good work. If you are not happy, go back and redefine your dream, work on your beliefs and your thoughts and feelings, and take different action.
    4. When not working on the relationship (and even when you are), are you happy? Spending your days in worry, doubt, and despair won’t help. Find reasons to be happy. Start a gratitude journal. Smell the flowers. Read a good book. Know this is your illusion and you get to choose! (If that doesn’t make you happy I don’t know what will!)
    5. Do you ask for help? Your unseen friends want to help you, but they won’t unless you ask.

So how do you turn the energy around and create the relationship of your dreams? You follow The Map, and one by one take apart the components of your creation. It will take some work, dear In Love, but I know you can do this.

Keep me posted… I believe in your and your ability to use the law of attraction for love!

Sending love and light to you for a beautiful relationship!

In joyous creation,

P.S. “Man A” did end up leaving my life. I had changed. He had not. Did that mean the relationship was a failure? Absolutely not. It was fun, loving, and wonderful for much of the time and taught me a lot about myself and creating a loving relationship. Happily ever after may include the one you thought was “the one” and it may not. Trust the process.

8 comments add a comment

8 comments to " How to Change Unrequited Love "

  • Lauren

    Well for one if you do stay friends with the guy ladies I wouldn’t accept any invitations to hang out as a group but an even better option would be to end the friendship completely

  • brandy

    this was very helpful. as a fellow way-shower, I found your grounded, thought based approach to be inspiring :) thanks for posting!

  • In the Friend Zone

    Hi Boni, maybe you can offer me a few positive words of advice. I’m madly madly in love with an old friend, we’ve been friends for a long time and I have so many memories of him. I’m so comfortable around him, feel safe around him, am so ridiculously attracted to him, and I could go on an on about all the things I love about him (but I won’t bore you with that haha). I’ve always felt that he was very attracted to me too. But I told him how I felt (that I like him – didn’t tell him I loved him) and he said he only saw me as a friend. I’m trying to just let go like I know I should, but it’s hard. I still see him from time to time and hear about him in conversation because we have the same group of friends. That is the biggest reason why it’s so hard for me to let go. I want to manifest a relationship with him, but I know that’s not the way it works. You are supposed to try to manifest a loving relationship with anyone. I’m just very confused still :/

  • Your Name

    It’s true that sometimes letting go is the right thing to do but also it means ending a friendship if two people don’t feel the same way and it’s the only way to find the right guy for you removing all the guys that friend zone you is a good idea

  • Hyon Unck

    “Love is the flower you’ve got to let grow.” ~ John Lennon

  • Years ago I also wanted to create a wonderful, exclusive, loving relationship with a man. But I was in a horrible relationship pattern where I felt unloved and relationships did not work. I was not aware of “the map” at the time, but was processing in the ways I knew through psychology and a beginning metaphysical awareness.

    I found myself in a relationship somewhat like yours with a man named Bob. It was a strong attraction on both our parts. In the beginning of the relationship I thought he was free, but then he went back to a previous woman. He went back and forth between the two of us a number of times. I was deeply frustrated and unhappy.

    I decided two things: one to program the relationship I wanted without ever asking that it would be with any particular man. I also decided to see two men from my past who had been strong attractions but were never going to become permanent relationships (I had become very good friends with both). I just decided that every time it did not work with one, I would seek the company of another.

    Eventually Bob decided that he wanted to be with me. We were married more than thirty years ago. We have been through more stresses in our lives than I can even remember, but the love has always stayed strong and we are both grateful for the relationship.

    • Sally,

      Thanks so much for sharing your wonderful story!! A great testimonial to the fact that if you let go of the way you want it to look (i.e. a specific man) you are often surprised at the way it turns out!

      You may not have known about The Map, but you sure did the same thing it suggests. You had a strong dream (desire), you focused your energy and cleaned out the image and beliefs that said you couldn’t have it, you took action by seeing other men, and your world responded with a life long love! Nice creating!!!!

      much love, Boni

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