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Dear Boni,

Please explain to me how I could have possibly created being born into a family that suffered with addiction and were both violent and abusive?

I didn’t have beliefs or thoughts prior to all of this. Instead, my beliefs were formed because of this. We are born with a blank, or open, mind, and can be molded into basically everything, right? So how was all that pain and suffering manifested when that was neither what I wanted, needed, focused on, or deserved?

I really want to know and would be very happy for an answer to this. Please just don’t write it off with “karma.” Thank you!

Still Healing


Dearest Healing,

Yours is one of the most difficult questions I’ve ever answered. And it’s a topic near and dear to my heart. The statistics are heartbreaking: 37% of American children are reported to Child Protective Services by their 18th birthday. One in four girls and one in six boys will be sexually abused. These are children we know about. How many more never get reported?

If we create it all, why on earth would children create this? Why would we create a world in which this exists?

First, it is important to understand that the children (and we) are not creating this by making it happen, i.e. with their/our thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. Abused children truly are victims in our world. They (and we) are creating it by “letting” it happen.

It may seem like semantics, but it’s not. You can’t consciously create your reality until you are an adult and realize that you have that ability. Until then, you are creating unconsciously.

For the most part, children create what his or her soul’s plan was for them.

I can hear you now, “You mean children’s souls want them to be abused??”

No, they don’t. But they do allow it when…

There’s a bigger plan at play

What might that plan look like? It might look something like this:

Setting: Beyond the veil

Purpose: Planning meeting for lifetime #322

Participants: Your soul, your higher self, your counselors, and you


Your soul: “Are you sure you want to head to earth again? It’s pretty dark there these days.”

You: “I do. I want to help bring light and freedom to the beautiful beings on that gorgeous planet.”

Your female counselor: “You know, you could make it easier on yourself. I see you are planning to incarnate into a pretty abusive family.”

You: I want to experience the difficulties the humans there are going through firsthand. Otherwise, how could I relate to them? How could I understand them? How could I make a map to help get them out of the spiral of negativity unless I enter it myself?” 

Your higher self: “I understand. And it makes sense—those who you teach will know energetically that they can relate to you. I will support everything you want to do, even though it hurts my heart to see you suffer.”

You: “I know that I can do this. And I can heal whatever trauma I encounter, forgive, and learn to love again.”

Or, it might look like this:

Setting: Beyond the veil

Purpose: Planning meeting for lifetime #159

Participants: Your soul, your higher self, your counselors, and you


Your soul: “I see you have another difficult lifetime planned. Might you want to reconsider and instead enjoy an R&R lifetime?”

You: “As nice as that sounds, I am committed to my plan. You see, I love the souls who will join me this lifetime, and they want to learn lessons of growth and self-forgiveness.”

Your female counselor: “Oh, so you are volunteering to be a victim so they can see how their actions impact others? That’s very generous of you.”

You: I have the highest hopes that they will turn it around this lifetime. Plus, I will practice moving from victimhood to empowerment. Healing is beautiful, and I want to have the experience of overcoming my upbringing.”

Your higher self: “We all support you no matter what you choose. And earth is changing to a much higher resonance—by the time you are well into the lifetime you’ll have more help than ever existed before.”

You: “Yes—and I’m excited about that. Please help me in every way you can.”

Your soul: “We will be beside you every step of the way.”

Or, it could even look something like this:

Setting: Beyond the veil

Purpose: Planning meeting for lifetime #932

Participants: Your soul, your higher self, your counselors, and you


Your soul: “I’ve been looking over your plan for your next lifetime. The family you’re planning to join is still in an unhealed place. You do realize how challenging this will be?”

You: “Yes. I do. And I know earth is going through a major transition right now, which gives all of us an opportunity for extra soul growth and expansion like we’ve never experienced before. I think I can rise above the challenges, heal from this family situation, and become more empowered and conscious than I’ve been in any lifetime thus far.”

Your female counselor: “If you manage to do that, you’ll be gifting everyone on the planet with a map out of the darkness, not to mention you’ll grow exponentially and your soul will too.”

You: I know it will be hard. But I also know how loved and supported I am from all of you. I know that anything can be healed. And I know what is real is on this side of the veil.

Besides, I wouldn’t miss this lifetime for anything in the world! This conscious transition from dark to light has never, ever happened before on any planet anywhere!”

Your higher self: “It really is a paradox, isn’t it? You have to go through darkness to experience the amazing transformation into light.”

You: “I can handle it—please send me teachers and experiences to help my healing and understanding of it all. I will need to realize even though I may be a “victim” during my childhood, ultimately I’m not a victim at all.”

Your soul: “I love you sooooo much.”

There are as many reasons a child would choose an abusive situation as there are souls. Each one is individual and sacred and we do them a great disservice if we judge them in any way. But…

Sometimes it’s darker than we thought it would be

When humans are creating unconsciously there is not as much “control” over the experiences. Negativity, hurt, and pain sometimes spiral people into even more of that energy. Hurt people hurt people, and some children end up in lifetimes that are much more difficult than they had anticipated.

A lot of us (and maybe all of us) who have chosen lifetimes on earth as a path to growth have experienced abusive situations in one form or another—if not in this lifetime, then in another. Earth has been a dark place for a very long time.

But something is happening on this planet that has never, ever happened before. We are transforming from a planet of very low resonance, lots of darkness, and abusive situations everyplace you look, to a planet of very high resonance, filled with light, and healing, dignity, forgiveness, joy, and love everyplace you look.

Many souls have wanted to participate in this transition, but in order to do so, you have to incarnate into the darkness.

Maybe the more important question to ask right now, is…

How do we heal from our abusive childhoods?

I was sexually abused as a toddler. It took me decades to realize it, and decades more to heal from it. The abuse left me feeling shamed, powerless, and simply not good enough. Of course, this had a huge impact on my reality. I would create (barely) some positive realities but they were always tinged with disappointment.

I’m so incredibly grateful to have discovered the way reality really works, and healed that little, innocent 2-year-old. Little by little, I took my power back and left my victimhood behind. It didn’t happen overnight for me, and it won’t for you either. But it did happen for me and it can for you too. How?

1. Step out of your victimhood. This may be the most difficult step. Because you’ve been living a life as a victim for years if not decades, it takes a lot of consciousness, will, and determination to halt the stranglehold your victim identity has on you. But you can do this.

2. Set the intention. Something like this, “I intend to heal my past, learn to be more powerful than I can imagine in my present, and dream and create a beautiful, powerful, joyful, and abundant future.”

3. Rescue that child. There is no time. There is no space. Your child self is alive now. Go to him or her and remove them from the abuse. If they are old enough to be able to understand, help them express the emotion they weren’t allowed to feel back then. For instance, if the abuse happened at eight years of age, go (in meditation) to that eight-year-old and let them cry, scream, hit things, abuse their abuser, whatever they need to let all that pent-up emotion out. You may have to repeat this meditation several times to let out all the anger, rage, hurt, etc.

4. Give your child a happy childhood. Once you’ve rescued your child self, do another meditation and give that little girl or boy a happy home. Maybe parents who were healed, or maybe new parents altogether. Let your imagination run wild with this one.

My little girl is parented by my two counselors (unseen friends). They are as healed and whole as possible, and she is unconditionally loved by them. She lives in a huge Victorian house on the ocean with a merry go round on the expansive lawn, an art studio, and whole rooms filled with Barbies. It is her dream come true. And now, without her energy pulling me down, my life is my dream come true as well.

Change the beliefs you took on because of the abuse. You can heal the past but that’s only step one. The next, equally important step, is to understand how having been abused as a child has impacted your subconscious beliefs about yourself. Your beliefs create your reality—no exceptions. So, if the abuse left you feeling that something is wrong with you, that you deserved the abuse, that you are inherently flawed, that life isn’t safe, that women or men are abusive, or whatever, those beliefs need to be changed. Take the time to change them.

Forgive yourself, for creating the abuse (even if your soul helped you plan it). And forgive your abuser. Important note: You don’t have to forgive the actual abuse—but you can (and should) forgive the reason the abuser did it. Whole, healed, happy people don’t abuse others. Damaged, hurt, unhappy people abuse others. Forgive the reason why your abuser abused you—realize it really wasn’t personal and be free.

Ask for help. This is one situation where it is very important to turn to your unseen friends for help. Why? Because you may be so damaged from the abuse that you won’t/can’t allow the healing. Your unseen friends can lift you to a space beyond where you are now, so that you can see and feel how deserving of healing you really are.

Ask for help from the seen world too. My healing has been facilitated by dozens of seen healers, therapists and practitioners. I couldn’t have done it without them. There is no need or reason to be a lone ranger on this path. Working with others (including psychologists and psychiatrists) is not only appropriate but more impactful.

I’m sending you lots of love and light, Healing—as well as love and light to all the victims of abuse as well as the abusers. When one heals, we all heal. While one is unhealed, we all are unhealed.

With so much love,

5 comments add a comment

5 comments to " Why Children “Create” Abusive Lives "

  • Bob Robertson

    I just read your response to the post re ‘why children create abusive lives’. It is such a caring, insightful and knowing response. It is so difficult for one to get out of ‘victim’ and be able to accept that they are in this ‘not to be abused’ but ‘to be themselves as a powerful and focused conscious person.’ That is such a difficult transition. Your involvement is such a timely and wonderful support for those working with that transition – even when they are at a point of being caught up in the ‘pointing of the finger’ to blame, that they do not yet understand the possibility that stepping out of the victim can be a stepping into their power of oneself.

    For me, this has been a decades long effort. In my family the rules were strong, compulsory, applied and coerced mostly by Mom. Dad was hard working and somewhat detached from everyday issues us kids were going through. Mom was the enforcer, justifying with statements like “I only do this for your own good”. When I started terming our ‘spankings’ into ‘beatings’, I started making more sense of what was happening. This was prepuberty for me. At 12 years and at another spanking, I stood up and told her ‘I didn’t do …’. That was my last ‘spanking/beating’ but the verbal coercion continued.

    However my life was shaped at that point and unconscious to me I had put in place a group of beliefs supporting my thinking that I was going to be attacked if I say anything, so I worked to not say anything to help ascertain that I would not be attacked (or ridiculed – or humiliated – or criticized – or not liked). So, I worked to be liked, not criticized nor challenged, nor ridiculed, nor laughed at. With this stage set, I felt a victim but my behavior became one of pleasing, because then I would be liked, and not criticized, and on and on.

    Then I found under the ‘victim’ belief, one of being ‘not good enough’ and another of being ‘inadequate’. These became core beliefs for me. And how did I know they were ‘core’ beliefs? They fit my behavior and thinking, and I chose them to be so. I changed them this way, the ‘…not good enough’ became ‘…am good enough’ and the ‘…am inadequate’ became ‘…am adequate’. Then I accepted that with these new beliefs in place, they then became my support for my future responses which I focused on doing with a new intent. This happened in my 40’s and resulted in my career changing, marriage broke up, relocated, new employment, a new relationships, and now new marriage too.

    My understanding continues to grow. Now I accept that I came into this life with Mom with an agreement that she would do such to coerce, influence, present the rules as compulsory, and do it strongly and forcefully. I love Mom for doing that. For me I had to reach deeper internally and find my strengths to stand up to her and confront nonviolently – and to stay connected with my universal love for her and respect her for doing what she thought to be right for her. And how do I do this? I have had many sessions and trainings, private and group. I have had a few trusted friends over time that very understandingly supported me and challenged me in my working with the ‘misbeliefs’ I had anchored in myself.

    Now, and soon to be in my 8th decade, I accept that all experiences (certainly mine) are neutral until I put my ‘spin’ on the experience; and similarly, another person with their very controlling parent (or whatever experience) puts their ‘spin’ on theirs. I accept that all is neutral until I put my ‘spin’ on that experience, and that makes it mine — and then I decide how I want to adjust that ‘spin’ as I learn and grow! I am learning to avoid ‘spins’ of blaming, coercing, influencing, humiliating, condemning, manipulating, making wrong, and so on as efforts for power and control of other. Instead of power and control of other, I look at situation with loving consideration and respect (power of oneself), particularly respect for that other person’s ‘spin’ . It helps to have lots of talk and sharing, because this then broadens one’s understanding. For a child as well as adult, in an abusive family situation, needs much information for that process to start where one begins to understand with a newer understanding, and thusly a newer ‘spin’. Often with our ‘new understanding’ we revisit our personal ‘hurdle’, and then out of that ‘new understanding’ we get a ‘newer understanding’, and still with intent for love and respect for self and other.

    This may read about ‘as clear as mud’ at first reading, but after pondering on it, we do need a process of questioning our own process and decide if at any time we need to adjust our process and adopt a new understanding, one that is closer to love and respect for self and other. And a here and now structure that works for me is: “If an experience is neutral until I put my spin on it, so then, what spin do I want to use, today, here and now?” For me, with this approach, all realities become processes of choosing, which do bring up new challenges and more choosings. Quite an adventure! Living is Exciting!

    Also Boni, I’m sending this message because I want to acknowledge you for what a wonderful thing you are doing. These are tough issues to confront and discuss, and so beneficial to do so.

    Also, congrats on your book doing so well and getting acknowledged so appropriately.

    With Love and Respect,

    • Boni

      Dear Bob,

      Beautifully written and illustrated with your own tender story. Thank you so much for taking the time to go into such detail. It’s not easy writing about this, because one doesn’t want to trivialize what people have gone through, yet sooner or later each and every “victim” will take their power back (this lifetime or another), and it’s an honor to assist in any small way with that. Bravo to you for all the work you’ve done in this area and the wonderful insights you gleaned that you now share with others. And thank you so much for your kind words about my work.

      Much love,

      • Warren smith

        I love this article and can relate to it so much, I now understand that all the abuse and trauma was chosen before incarnation and that by storing it in the unconscious it gives me all the tools to get the job done etc,I practice and teach shadow work every day, self discovery is amazing and I appreciate my life and myself more each day, I would like amore money to have more freedom of choice but I am working on that and believe I am where I am because it is part of my desires, rather than judging my current situation I accept it as a stepping stone,I appreciate your presence 💗

  • Kim Capstick

    Wow – very powerful Bonnie. Looks like it’s time for me to re-read The Map. I couldn’t quite get a grasp on contacting my unseen friends but I think it’s time to try again. I have seen many therapists & psychiatrists (even a hypnotist once) over the decades without a lot of success. However, until I read this it had not occurred to me to go to a healer or practitioner. I wonder if an energy healer could help rid myself of some of the damage. It’s definitely worth a try. Thank you for this post.

    • Boni

      Thank you Kim! Energy healers can be of great benefit in letting go of old, stuck energy and bring a freedom and clarity that otherwise may be hard to get it. You still have to do the emotional work, of course. But a good healer can support you (and sometimes facilitate) as you do it. xo

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