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Dear Boni,

I realize I have a belief: “In order to cultivate compassion and to help people, I have to suffer their suffering.”

Basically, I believe that by suffering I can be on the same frequency as other human beings and therefore be able to communicate to them. If I were fully healthy, wealthy and joyful then I would not be able to communicate to human beings who are suffering and they would despise me.

How is it possible to live in happiness, abundance, and joy and at the same time have an open heart to those who are suffering?

Completely Compassionate


Dearest Compassionate,

I understand your feelings. I have felt that way too and I am pretty sure others have as well. I’m glad you are seeking to resolve this because this belief will not only keep you from success, joy, and abundance, it will keep you virtually powerless to (truly) help anyone at all.

Yep. That’s right. Your choice to make yourself suffer in order to help others will backfire. Why? Because…

Suffering + Suffering = More Suffering

It was Albert Einstein who said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.” And he was right. Commiserating with others, suffering with others or complaining with others, will not change the consciousness of the sufferer, it will not help them, and it will cause more suffering in your own reality.

You see, each of us vibrates at a certain level. As we grow, become more, change our beliefs, and begin to understand who we really are, our vibration rises.

And two people cannot be in the same place for very long at different vibrational rates without one of four things happening:

1. The person with the higher vibration will lower theirs, or…

2. The person with the lower vibration will raise theirs, or…

3. A combination of 1 and 2, or…

4. The two people will part ways, as each refuses to shift.

Lazaris* tells a story that illustrates the concept (paraphrased):

Imagine you were walking through the woods and you hear someone yelling for help.  You follow the voice and come upon a man in a deep hole in the ground with no way to get out.

Now—assuming you want to help this man, how do you go about doing that? You could jump in the hole with him. He would have company and you both could suffer together. They say misery loves company, right?

But would that help him? Obviously not. The only way to truly support him is to help him get out of the hole.

Helping Others Begins with Helping Yourself

The only way you can truly help others is to first empower yourself. If you transcend from your own suffering to a life of joy, love and prosperity then you are showing others it can be done. You are giving them an energetic and physical example of someone who has realized everyone is powerful and has the ability to create a spectacular life.

And let’s face it; the downtrodden don’t need more people who don’t believe in them—everyone around them (including themselves) holds that belief.

But do they need compassion? Yes—definitely. And here is where your former suffering can produce a silver lining. Because you understand what it’s like to suffer, you really can empathize with people. You really can be deeply compassionate about their plight.

But you can also hold a vision of them being healed, happy, whole, and in love with their life. And whether you share that vision with them or not, it will help them.

Do those who suffer need support? Maybe—for a while. You see our world does have true victims in it (those who don’t have a clue about their ability to change their world). And victims do need help.

Not everyone is ready for the fact that “we create our own reality”. Sometimes people need to be protected, fed, educated, housed, and clothed before they can even begin to become empowered. But that is not a reason for you to suffer until they do. That, my friend, is martyrdom.

Ultimately no one wants to feel powerless—and approaching those in need as if they will never “have what it takes” to make something of themselves does them a great disservice.

And believing that you cannot be happy, successful and prosperous until every person on the planet is free from suffering does you (as well as them) an equally great disservice.

Remember you cannot control the way things turn out and you certainly cannot control others. Love others enough to allow them to make their own choices. And meanwhile…

Change the Beliefs that Trip You Up

These ideas won’t just go away because I said they are untrue, even if the less constricting belief makes all the sense in the world and you really want to believe something different.

If you hold negative beliefs about creating a life you love, you’ll want to change them in order to be free to actually create that magnificent life. Here are what they might be:

Those who are suffering cannot create a life they love.
Those who are suffering can create a life they love.

It is most helpful to those in need to suffer with them as a gesture of support.
It is most helpful to those in need to show them a way out of their situation.

The greatest gift I can give to those who suffer is to suffer with them.
The greatest gift I can give to those who suffer is to imagine them happy.

I must be at the same frequency as those suffering in order to communicate with them.
I must feel great compassion for those suffering in order to communicate with them.

When I am successful, others who aren’t will despise me for having what they don’t.
When I am successful, others who aren’t will be inspired to create as I did.

Luckily every belief can be changed. And once you do, you’ll feel the freedom to create all the success in the world, while still feeling compassion and love for your fellow human being.

And once you’ve created that success, your resonance will help the next person who is ready to create theirs, and they will help the next, and on and on and on…until everyone on the planet is happy, healthy and in love with their life. Hey, if we can create it all (and we can) why not, right?

With love and light,

* More information about Lazaris can be found at

Beliefs rule your reality, and they can keep you stuck where you are—unless you change them.  Our Changing Your Beliefs Guided Meditation can aid this process and make it much easier to accomplish.  Just 20 minutes can help shift your beliefs and your reality will change as a result!

14 comments add a comment

14 comments to " How Can I “Live a Life I Love” While So Many Suffer? "

  • Lala Evenz

    Thank you Boni! Short, helpful, sweet

  • RH

    What about someone who had a beautiful, happy life and then lost a spouse or child? How can the rest of us go on blissfully when they are not? When their whole life will forever be changed? And also knowing the same thing could happen to us?

  • Feda Abuokab

    How about people who fall victims of civil wars? How about victims of trafficking and child labor? I don’t think your article is far from reality.

  • İmge


    İ am writing this not really believing you will help me and you giving me negative energy
    A week ago i read about schitzopheria. İ feared the mental illnessess and in my really happy moment i read it. Now i want to make myself sick my mind is trying to make me schitzophenic. Many people suffer this so i should as well i say. İ am trying to create no comfort. Even hugging my grandma i say do the sick like it. İ do not want to eat anything and my less working bowels now seem to work. İ put myself in a paradox intentionally and i am thinking if i get out of this i will talk to many with help. İ want to sleep all the time as well. İ will go to the doctor monday. İ dont know really. İ want to be saved by somebody. Be taken care of. And sometimes i feel speacial and i dont know. I am sometimes a little girl i want everyone s happiness i love people understand their heart.but i amtired i need a sign oh God. Somethlng to cheer something nice

  • Carolina

    Hi Boni! I am having an issue related to this post and hope you can give me some guidance, I apologize for my bad English in advanced. I read the Map such an amazing book and read this post and get what you mean, I know that suffering for those who suffer brings more suffering but I can’t seem to get them of my thoughts, despite having worked on core beliefs of unworthiness and negative beliefs related to this matter. I have health issues and because of that money issues, I graduated but because of my health problem I can’t work a full time job, so the Map lead me to putting an online business which I love!! But sadly it does not produce the income I need so my parents struggle a lot to pay my treatments. Anyway I am not unhappy about my condition anymore, I used to suffer from depression because I couldn’t have a “normal life” now I realized I am so blessed because so many struggle with real problems like hunger and diseases that keep them permanently in hospitals and suffering. So is hard for me to focus on my intentions, every time I work to flow energy on having more sales and more health, thoughts start to come up and make it impossible, I start to think about the people that really suffer and feel really sad and dumb to be asking for myself when I have so much compare to them, despite believing that I am worthy and that I deserve the best of this world. You talk about showing them a way out of their situation or that with my example they will be inspire to create as I did, how can people starving in Africa ever think that is encouraging there is rich people because it means they can change their life’s as well, how can my example help them in any way? I do understand conscious creation and firmly belief in it, but in their case there is just nothing left to be done than going to Africa and help in some way, so repeating to myself that when I am successful they will be inspire does not help me at all =S, I can’t even help others with money or something, all I do is help with support and love to the people around me and that does not give enough comfort to focus on my intentions or to stop thinking about the suffering of the world. I am ok when I force myself to stop thinking about this, so when I just live my life and I am not working on manifesting my intentions I am happy, but also know that things will continue being the same money wise if I continue like this…Please, is there something else I can do?

    Thank you so much Boni!!!

    • Your Name

      I am sort of in this stage as well, being torn between feeling guilty for wanting more for myself but at the same time feeling I deserve it. I think my solution is developing a Minimalist philosophy towards life.

      By this I mean, work to manifest success but also develop intentions for how you will put that sucess into the work of helping others. At the same time, being minimalist in my material posessions. For example, live in a comfortable but modest home without extravagant furniture or decoration, drive a comfortable but modest car, wear simple, classic style clothes instead of chasing name brands and following every fashion trend, eat healthy, locally grown food not processed items etc.

      In other words, be comfortable, modest and simple in your material life, then dedicate the rest of the fruits of your success into actionable intentions for helping others.

      For example, opening or supporting a not-for-profit charity that does “boots on the ground” work treating the sick. Or in other words, use the money you earn to support people who go to physically help those who suffer from sickness and disease such as Doctors Without Borders.

      Look into the work of Paul Polak as an example of someone who is sucessfull and physically has helped millions of people lessen their suffering poverty through his organizations and use your money to partner with works like his.

      Solutions to all the world suffering exist, it’s the implmentation that is difficult and we can use our success to support that pupose.

      • Carolina Román

        I just saw this..your approach is brilliant and useful for someone battling with certain beliefs. I am not in such a martyr phase anymore and studying to become an energy healing therapist, I am looking forward to have a modest life while helping people as well with therapies. I read this just when I needed it thanks!

        • Boni

          You are welcome Carolina! Sending you lots of love and light to help make your dreams come true! (Stepping beyond martyr is a HUGE step!)


  • Liz Smith

    Inexplicably, the email with this post got shunted into my junkmail. I found it today…at exactly the right time for me to see it, read it and believe it. The universe truly does give you what you need when you’re ready for it!

    • Boni

      Hi Liz,

      You are so right. I’m happy you found it!


      • Bella

        Great article – but what I’m challenged with is how it makes sense that people are born and never get a chance at love, and living, making a family and so on.

        I thought life was supposed to be precious? You can clearly see the hurt in some of these peoples eyes.

        It’s one thing to go through hard times – but some of it – just seems senseless. I don’t get it.

        Maybe you have a perspective on this?

        • Boni

          Dear Bella,

          One cannot know another’s soul’s path. We must assume they are guided, as you/we are. However, that is not to say ignore everyone else because, “Hey, their soul chose it”. Both are true. You can accept and not judge another’s path, as you seek to create a world where no one is in pain. Granted, it’s tricky, but that is what we came here to do at this amazing time on the planet.

          I hope this makes a little sense.

          Much love,

  • Mose

    Dear Boni,

    thank you so much for this beautiful, heartfelt and sharp post. It reached my heart. As I was reading it, I realized that in the past I witnessed in fact a form of counscious creation: people suffering were creating further suffering, and were in fact dis-empowering other more people to suffer with them, confirming that they were in fact, in a perverse way, powerful creators! I must have tapped at a subconscious level the perpetual grief those people were going through, not knowing perhaps how to come out of it and therefore perpetrating it. Because it was so overwhelming, it engulfed me and I lost my awareness into it for a very long time. Now I am gaining back my awareness and power, it feels like coming out of hibernation; I almost cannot believe it. My eyes are still very sensitive to’light’, the positive momentum is gaining more and more energy nonetheless. This is a huge lesson to learn. I look forward to see the firm roots of goodness sprout. It is auspicious that your post arrived in a very uplifted moment. Thank you so much.

    Much love,

    • Boni

      Hi Mose,

      Thank you so much for your kind words and comment. What you write of is a form of “unconscious” creation. They certainly didn’t want to create more suffering, and yet they did.

      Similarly, so many who “fight” for a cause, unintentionally do the same. That’s not to say it’s wrong to want to see change, or to support people in need, but it is to say: we all need to stay conscious of what we say, do, feel and think, in order to truly create the kind of world we desire. Fighting “against” anything won’t solve it. Instead working for love peace, education, empowerment, healthy people, etc.

      I’m happy for you Mose….that you are coming into your power and awareness. Take the time you need to get used to that light!

      much love,

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