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Dear Boni,

My stepfather passed away last week. I miss him very much. I’ve been reading about taking full responsibility for every aspect of my life. To me this means I’m responsible for (or had a part to play in) him getting cancer and the timing of his death.

I’m struggling with feelings of guilt and the pain I feel is horrible. Please help.
Thank you in advance.

Grieving Daughter


Dearest Grieving,

My heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry for your loss. Please know—you are neither responsible for your stepfather’s death nor for his cancer.

You do want to take 100% responsibility for your life, but not for the lives of those around you. Others need to take responsibility themselves, and everyone will, at one time or another. This is not to say you can’t have an impact on others—you certainly can—positive or negative impact. But you can’t cause another to fall ill or to choose to die.

You can, however, rest assured that no one dies before their time. It is important to know that death is 100% a choice of each person’s soul. No one can interfere with that.

As my dear friend and teacher Lazaris said, “The world that you go into, the reality that you move into is far more exciting, we dare say, far more thrilling and far more to your liking than the one you’re dealing with now. Death is something that you do, not because you have to, but because you decided to.”[1]

For most of us, that decision to move out of our physical body is not a conscious one. It’s a choice made on a much higher level. The “more conscious” aspects of us (our higher self, soul, and All That Is) always have final say as to what we “create” here on earth. But we can always trust those aspects to be in alignment with what are the best, highest good, most beneficial, successful, and fun-filled choices for us.

That said…

Death Can Contain Messages

Even though your stepfather chose to die at a certain time in his life, you also created the death of someone you loved at a certain time in your life. There are no accidents. The death of a loved one rocks our world. And oftentimes it changes us in a profoundly positive way—it makes us more of who we really are.

There are frequently messages for us in the way others choose to die, the timing of their death, or the death itself. It’s a beautiful and intensely meaningful gift, punctuated by the emotion of the loss itself.

Both my mother and father have transitioned this lifetime—30 and 20 years ago respectively. Both of their deaths held incredible gifts for me.

My mother died when I was 30 years old. She had been “dying” for days. The doctors couldn’t believe that she was holding on far past the time that seemed humanly possible. We all wondered why she wasn’t letting go. My parents’ wedding anniversary was on October 2nd, and when she miraculously held on to that date we thought for sure that was the reason. But on October 3rd she was still alive. Why?

I found out why later that year. She did transition on October 3rd. And it was a message and a gift to me that touched my heart and soul. I had been searching for a spiritual teacher at that time in my life. I investigated every world religion, read dozens of books, viewed endless videos, listened to scores of channeled entities—and finally met the channeled being who would be my teacher and friend for life and beyond—Lazaris.

Lazaris first channeled through Jach Pursel on, you guessed it, October 3rd. My mother chose her date of death for me, as a message that I was on the right path—a message that meant the world to me at the time.

Her death itself was also life-changing for me. At the time, I was working my way through law school and an MBA program as she was fighting her second round with cancer. I remember sitting in the law library, a couple of months after she’d died. I wondered, “Was my mother fulfilled? Had she lived her life the way she truly wanted to?”

Of course, the follow-up question to that was directed at myself: “Am I fulfilled? Am I living my life the way I truly want to?” 

The answer was, “No, I’m not. At least not as fulfilled as I could be.” Soon after that internal bombshell I quit both graduate programs. It was scary, but I felt as if I owed it to my mom—to find more meaning, joy, and fulfillment in life than she had found.

My dad’s passing held a different gift. He died a decade later, and I was far more advanced spiritually by then. His gift to me was the honor of being present as his soul came to escort him to the other side. Next to the birth of my children, being present at his death was the most spectacular moment of my life. Interestingly, my three brothers and stepmom, who were there holding vigil with me, were all out of the room when it happened.

I could feel the presence of his soul—the beauty was palpable. It wasn’t sad. It was a moment filled with love, joy, gratitude, and knowing. Being there alone and free from having to deal with the grief of my family, being able to be fully present for the magnificence of the reunion, was spectacular.

Sometimes there is meaning for us in the way those we love die. Diseases hold messages for the person who creates them. Sometimes the message is the classic metaphysical meaning. For instance, one of the emotional causes of cancer is deep seated hurt, resentment or grief “eating away” at the self. The “antidote” for that emotional misalignment is forgiveness, self-love, and joy.

When I hear of someone dealing with or having died from cancer, I immediately look inward and ask myself, “Am I harboring feelings of hurt and resentment? Is there anyone I need to forgive? Am I living every day as joyously as I can?”

Generally, the closer the person is to you, the stronger the message is. Here are two books I recommend that list the emotional causes of common diseases:

Heal Your Body by Louise Hay
Metaphysical Anatomy: Your body is talking, are you listening? by Evette Rose and Damonza

You’ll find books like these can help you heal your own illnesses and are great tools for deciphering the meaning of dreams and understanding the messages of the diseases that others around you have as well.


Grieve—Fully and Intensely

Grieve. Don’t bypass that. And don’t try to get through it quickly. Let it take the time it needs to take. The more intensely you let yourself feel the pain, sadness, grief, anger, etc., the quicker you can be done with it. Most people don’t let themselves feel fully, trying to mask or deny their feelings when someone they love dies. Don’t be most people. Give yourself the space and time to fully feel the emotions that come up for you.

Love yourself through this process. It’s hard losing those you love. Don’t expect that everything will be “back to normal” right away, if ever. This can be a very beautiful, spiritual time for you, Grieving. It can bring you closer to your own unseen friends (call upon them for help and healing). It’s also a time that your stepfather will undoubtedly try to communicate with you through dreams, signs, and meditations. If you give yourself the space to allow all this to happen, you’ll heal more fully, and faster, ironically, than if you’d tried to rush it.

Sending you lots of love and light to heal.


[1] Lazaris Interviews Book II

7 comments add a comment

7 comments to " Did I Create the Death of My Loved One? "

  • Nancy Banta

    This is wonderful news and advice. Thank you sooo much! My husband passed November 12, 2012. Would have been our Anniversary yesterday, June 12. I always wonder if I played a part his “decision” to pass 😔and, yes I STILL grieve after all these years! Our kids were only 14 when they lost their father. My heart still breaks for them. I wonder…did he send me this message thru you? On our wedding Anniversary. Hmmm? Well thank you anyhow. I will be a new follower now!
    Peace and gratefulness sent to you.
    LFMD(looking for my destiny)
    Nancy B.

  • Joanna Rubini

    Oh Boni, you are so wise and so kind. Thank you for another wonderful post… 💓🙏

  • Michael Walker

    Wow. That was good. I’m going to save and reread and reread. My wife passed away last year. While I’ve gotten over the heaviest grief, I believe, this will still be valuable. Thanks.

  • Sherry

    You sure have a beautiful gift Boni and one that I am thankful for, that you are a part of my life. Everything is worded so beautifully and always seems to be at the “right time” so thank you.

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