I knew losing a parent would be hard, but it was more devastating than I expected to know my dad was gone forever. He was that person I was most like and he had so much to do with the woman I’ve become. It was an unexpected shock to the system and it made me think about changes I wanted to make in my life to be a happier, more productive person. It made me feel like I had to grow up, and at 37 that shouldn’t have scared me as much as it did. My dad had always protected me, my safety net. Now he was gone and I felt so exposed and alone. Part of me wanted to crawl in bed and give up, but I knew had to stay positive dealing with the wreckage or it would surely wreck me.

On August 30th I wrote a letter to my Dad:
Dad, I’m going to be okay. You were always so worried about me. I can’t remember a time when I saw you and you didn’t say at least once, “Di, what are you going to do if something happens to me?” I want to tell you I always knew how much you loved and cared about me, and that you just wanted me to be happy. I am going to have an amazing life, because I refuse to let you down ever again. I promise I will always remember all of your advice and I will make you proud. You did a good job, so you don’t have to worry any more. I hope you find peace and know that I loved you more than I was ever able to express in words.

It was hard for a while and there were a lot of days I didn’t leave my bedroom. I was weak and looking for ways to just not feel the pain. And then I would add guilt to my grief and I would feel bad I wasn’t spending more time with my family. It was a dangerous spiral that could have taken me down. I knew I had to change if I wanted to be happy and enjoy life with my kids, but I felt stuck in an ugly, dark place.

I had a very emotional breakthrough and wrote the following on November 1:
I make this pledge today, to my kids and to myself.
From this day until forever I will make a monthly budget for the household and will not deviate unless for a true emergency. I will figure out how to make getting paid only one time a month last the whole month. I will find a job to make more income put some into savings every month without fail. I will make smarter decisions that make sense for the whole family and put my selfish impulses away. I will no longer do things that I know I will feel guilty about later. I WILL ALLOW MYSELF TO BE HAPPY.

The negative words like fail, selfish and guilty were affecting my flow of energy, but the universe did respond. Days after writing the pledge I came across a facebook page for Live a Life You Love. I am so grateful something in the message caught my attention and I clicked a couple of links that day. I began to look forward to the posts, and was able to download the ebook January 4th… The Map changed my life. Boni’s words were the tools I had been searching for to find my joy and love life again. The Map has become, for me, a new way of being and so much more. Since January, I have seen my reality change right before my eyes. That pledge became a list of intentions, and I am watching them manifest one after another. Now life is good, and I’m starting to see how unbelievable and amazing it is going to be when I am really Living a Life I Love.

I know Dad would be proud.